how much can you lose in two months?

-a grandma who treated you like a son, loved unconditionally, your only source for compassion (dead)
-the father that loved you like is own little brother and saved you from arizona (not talking, blaming a person of which he knows nothing about, cop-out)
-the band you helped name, fill, write songs with, and play shows with (fired, theyd had 'enough' - so much for family)
-job (fired)
-wife (gone, home now, but for how long)
-son (with her, home now)
-hearing
-hair

nothing ever really matters

we buried her on april 1st, so i wake up every day thinking ill get a call saying, 'just kidding, come over and say hello!' its not funny. but its true. she couldnt talk so id do all of that and we would stare at each others eyes and remember and know that she hung the moon for me. i had the honor of putting her in the ground. i saw the hole. i think every one else is gone - or are going their separate ways. i saw that happening before she died. and it has to be true because no one called on my sons first birthday. no one wrote a card. im ok with it, but he shouldnt have to bare any of that.

but he will. he is associated with me now. therefore, hes subject to unruly demands, like:
i wont change but you have to
youre an asshole
you treat every one like shit
etc, etc, etc

ive noticed people would rather point a digit than look inward. and thats fine. bury yourself. im no saint, never claimed to be. but i will not apologize for who i am and what i choose to do. if you dont, you have eyes and can see the door so i wont say where it is.

that brings me to something else. not just something but another thought. its not a thought, though, because it happened. people have left, lets review:
- band/music? fired, and theyre oh so happy
- marriage? none of your business, though all is well
- job? let go for being sick (i cant wait to die myself you know, because im obviously making this up)
- friends? i got one or two left, one in this city
- family? no comment (thanks pop)

so you would think i would be apologetic and try ever so to right the ships that have fallen recently. dating back to the Great Not-A-Heart-Attack October of 2006 (maybe even before that, who knows, i should ask as i know there those with their much valued opinion but they could save for when im not around, stings better that way, than to talk to someones face). seriously, go break up with your significant other in a text message right now. tell me you wouldnt feel liberated and relieved rather than face....wait, what? that never happened to me, but i would love to do it to someone. hahaha. fuck all.

so, i guess im in the angry stage? i am angry. heres why (if i had picks, id post them in homage to vonnegut, instead, i give you lists):
people, death, lies, my back (i cant see whats going on), shit jobs with no pay, "friends", this city, the weather, my hair, my skin...

stop, this will affect your son. i know. i wont let that happen. hell be better than me. my grandma told me as much. i cannot any more than i have. i grieve all day every day. i miss her terribly. shes gone, but others get the luxury to breathe another day. how thoughtful. the greatest woman ive ever known died the way she did (couldnt talk, eat, walk, hands were claws, couldnt sit still, that disease...but she still smiled and im certain she was smiling all the way until the end). i have nothing but memories and somehow thats not enough. i thought i was ready for this. we all did. turns out i was no where close to being ready.

so fuck everything else thats happened recently and fuck all its happened to. i dont care. its shit now, trust me. i cant wait to hear it though. i need a laugh. desperately.

the point is this. im happy with this life ive got. my son is one year(s) old (yesterday 4/15) and he is all that matters any more. him and leaving this putrid shit hole of 'such neediness and sadness and sorrow' (you find the meaning of the quotes because if i use my words, well, you dont want that) a city. clock is running.

tick